Passing the Baton
I'm supposed to be making cookies right now but somehow I'm just not in the mood. We're having 19 people over tomorrow and I'm worried if that many people can actually fit in our home. We've been cleaning and cooking and getting ready for my family to visit. Tom and Lauren come home today, David and crew will be visiting, and the Pods will follow. Grandma, Grandpa, Mom, Dad & Scott are rounding out the bunch. Scott just broke up with Marguerite so she'll be absent from the family for the first time in years.

Last week I went to Grandma and Grandpa's house because they were giving me some Christmas materials. I arrived to 7 or 8 huge packed bags. I asked my grandma what all of this was and she told me it was all Christmas materials that she didn't need. Now normally Grandma's house is decked out in Christmas gear by the middle of October. There's no one in town that has it on Grandma in the Christmas department. I looked around and saw no decorations. Baffled, I asked her what she was using. She gave me a long look and said words that I'll never forget.

"I'm just too tired."

It took everything I had in that moment to keep it together...to not cry and hold her hoping that she would never leave if I just stood there and wished for her to be healthy. She showed me her tree and it's adorned with the white icicle lights you hang outside your house and silver garland. Not one ornament. I am not sure how to handle this. Grandma has always been the Christmas lady. She literally works all year on Christmas. I'm just not ready for the torch. Thanksgiving I can handle now, but Christmas will always be hers.

In these past two weeks I've had the opportunity to reconnect with two former friends. One has been my friend since we were 5 years old and we boarded the bus together. The other was new to Manchester in middle school and we also rode the bus together. It has been an honor to get to know these ladies' new lives. I told the latter how sorry I was for not being very nice during a volleyball game in middle school. She had absolutely no memory of it but it has plagued me for years. There are memories I have where I have been much less than kind that I wish I could make right. The time I told David on the drama club trip to Chicago really mean words, the time I made fun of my friend's hair behind her back to the loudest girls in the school, every time I shouted a name to make fun of these twin girls, the time I had a charm bracelet and I accidently made my friend Melanie with a large nose the elephant on my bracelet - I really didn't realize what I did but I still want to apologize. The time I made fun of this girl's breath when all she wanted was to be my friend. The time I'd go along with someone else rather than standing up for myself. The time I made fun of someone for what they were wearing when it's probably all they could afford. For all the times I could have been better, all the times I could have talked things out. For all the horrible misunderstandings and hard feelings. My version of heaven would allow me to atone for each one. It's probably a selfish thing to ask for, and maybe it's because the one person that's wronged me in the worst way never said he was sorry. The only peace I have is that he's no longer living and I was able to go to his calling hours and make sure he'd never hurt anyone else again. What he did haunts me in my sleep and even though I've never committed an act to that degree I wonder if what I've done has ever kept someone else up. That's my worst fear.

This is also the week that I found out I will be the Cattle Baron feature survivor. It is so much pressure that I nearly declined. We'll see what it brings in the coming months.

Don't be afraid to stand out. That's how the lost get found.